Advisory: This is mostly going to be vomity emotional bullshit. Sorry not sorry.
My haven't been able to shake this funk I'm in and its been hanging around quite a long time now. I don't know how to fix it, I have no health insurance for a therapist, and talking about it just seems to stress and scare my friends and family. The last thing I want is a bunch of attention fixed on me either. Counter intuitive I guess.
I panic quit the spring semester at school in February. I got overwhelmed, couldn't catch up and then just...quit. I was relieved for maybe a week and then the guilt over it started. I felt horrible because I still haven't been able to find work here, so I was going to school as a compromise. I couldn't even handle three classes. Rinse and repeat and all the stress I've been mismanaging for a while ganged up on me. I had a bit of a nervous breakdown and started seriously seriously thinking about trying something stupid. Thankfully I'm actually a giant coward and chickened out before I could actually get on with it.
I ended up running off to St. George and staying with for almost two weeks. It stayed about 80 degree the entire time I was there, we ran around exploring crazy ghost towns and selenite mines and I had all the fun doing laundry in her crazy turbo washer and dryer. (Doing laundry is my favorite domestic chore. It's my main de-stresser. I'm a little obsessed with clean clothes and laundry soap and the laundry situation at my current apartment is the worst. Therefore, this was a major highlight.) When we weren't fucking around, I was parked out on the patio with a book next to the pool soaking up all of the wonderful desert sun. I decided to say fuck it, and apply to the university there and pursue fine art, which is literally the only thing I've ever given a shit about. I came home in a great mood, looking good, feeling good, motivated.
That lasted less than 24 hours. Literally the next morning after getting home I found out my school is holding my transcripts hostage from Dixie because instead of sending my financial aid through my existing student loan, they just funded my tuition themselves. Whatever. I don't have $800 just ready to hand over, so I spent an hour over the phone talking to people who have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about. I got nothing resolved and now I have to physically go in and fight with them. Immediately after dealing with that upset, I got a mysterious call from Corp Amazon asking if I opened a new account. I did not, so they shut that down. Just to be safe I checked my accounts and found out someone stole my damn credit card number. I want to know who it was, because they opened an amazon account to buy a shitty shitty $60 Ubisoft game. Really dude? You have my credit card, how about you try to buy something cooler than what I can only imagine was either fucking Assassins Creed or No Honor or whatever that is that just came out. SO I spent 45 minutes on the phone with Chase, and got nowhere because Billie's name is the main on the account. Thankfully they reversed the charges, security froze our account and are sending new cards for both of us. THEN right after that, I went in the bedroom and found one of Nuka's teeth on the bed. She's not acting strange so I'm not going to worry about it just yet, but it was one of those, "Fuckin really? KEEP IT COMING" moments.
All in all, my anxiety has been fucking out of control. I'm running off no sleep because I'm too high strung to settle down, I have no appetite, my house is a mess because I can't calm down long enough to do anything productive, I keep snapping unfairly at my loved ones, and now something else worrisome has popped up. I was texted Taylor and he sent me a very innocent "can I ask you something?" question. I panicked over what it possibly could've been and what he wanted so hard that I blacked out for several seconds. It was like that vine of the guy on the rollercoaster who keeps fainting because he's so scared.
I realize this isn't normal and probably not healthy but I can't afford to see a doctor right now. If it gets any worse though I will definitely be going to see someone.
Fuck man I just don't know...