Holy hell this month has been a crazy rollercoaster of emotion!
I posted a bit about this on Tumblr, but in short, I hit a really really rough patch at the beginning of the month. I tend to sort of swing back and forth with my moods, but this funk was a very long, hard one to get out of. No matter what I did I couldn't shake it, and I ended up having to drop things I really wanted to accomplish. I'm still trying to decide if it was a good idea or not, but I guess I really don't have a time limit. Let's just say my depression keeps leading me dark places I don't want to go or to be.
To top it all off I found out my wonderful dog, Cleo, is dying of heart failure. Don't get me wrong! She's a Great Dane and she's turning 12 in May. 12 years old! Completely unheard of for a G.D. Hearing of her failing health wasn't a shock or anything, but it definitely doesn't make it any less sad. She was my first dog ever. She was there alongside me during all of my teenage bullshit and she's always the first to greet me when I go home to my parents' house.
Yesterday I had actually had a really good day. I got a new cookbook (Thanks ) so and I kinda made a day running around getting ingredients for dinner. On top of it, the weather was actually bright and sunny and warm, so that helped significantly. We invited some friends over, my babylove got off work early, and everything was great! I made a ton of food and we settled into dinner,
I got a call from my mother. She -never- calls me after 9. At first I thought it was something to do with Cleo, and then I thought it might be about my great-grandma. But it turned out to be about my Grandma Judy. The one I lived with for almost five years. She had a massive heart attack and was going into emergency care. My parents were on their way from Vernal, the rest of my family was flocking from all over Utah county, and so on. I kinda of completely lost my shit. I sobbed for a while, and subsequently didn't get any sleep. Thank freaking goodness that my grandpa was home from working in Page, AZ for a week. I dread to think of what would've happened otherwise.
and I went and saw her today and everything turned around in the best situation that it could've. She was awake, she'd been up standing and walking around without help, she was eating, she looked great, sounded great and was demanding to go home. This could have been so so much worse. I don't know what any of us would've done if something worse happened. I get sick thinking about it. But, she's home now, safe and sound.
It helped sort of realign my perspectives and eased the rut slightly. I still have the same feelings, but my worry for her took all of my energy and attention away from my own shit. I'll be keeping a much closer eye on her from now on!